I remember it well... the first time that I saw your head 'round the door, 'cause mine stopped working

Hhhmmm...

I was getting ready to draw something up in a syringe with a really fucking long needle, like uh 3 inches or so. And the cap just wouldn't come off, for anything. So I'm tugging and finally the cap comes off and my hand jerks back and the needle goes all the way through my index finger and comes out the other side. Before I realized what had happened, I had pulled the needle out of my finger. I started bleeding everywhere and I just about passed out. Instead of washing it off or doing something, I just stood there in shock for like 2-3 minutes. Finally another nurse saw what was going on and took care of me. Soon after, I had a bandaid on my finger, the bleeding had stopped, and I was on my way to cleaning up the floor and the med cart. Now my finger is all swollen and purple where the blood has sorta pooled under the skin. Kinda cool huh? Yes, the needle was sterile. Oh and then I dropped my cigarettes in the toilet. Damnit what a dumb day.

I'll be uh outside waiting on the corner with a bucket of chicken wings and a uhh uhh Nike wristband.

I hung out with Brian and Eli a couple days ago. It was really awesome. I got to see the puggies. And I got a copy of their picture with Santa. So fucking cute. They also have a kitten, its itty bitty. Here's the background on the kitty... When they first got it, it started chewing on a lamp cord and electricuted itself, started flopping around, and died. No pulse, stopped breathing, dead. This cut off all the power in their apartment. So while Brian was in the room with the cat, Eli was in the other room and thought that the fuse box was messed up or something. So he turned on the circuit breaker or whatever. And this turned the lamp back on and shocked the kitty back to life. So now it is alive, but with a really gross infected mouth. No they dont have money to take it to the vet.

Brian and Eli took me to see Cindy at work. It was actually pretty weird. I hadn't seen her since she left my dad. For some reason I expected her to come running up to me with a big hug. She kinda owed it to me. She just stood there and was all "hows it going?" It was so awkward, I was ready to leave as soon as I got there.

But that was that.

I start clinicals on the cardiovascular intensive care unit on Monday. Not really looking forward to it. I have to do 12 hours on Monday and Tuesday. Then I have to come back and work 12 hours on Wednesday and Thursday. 48 hours in 4 days. Yuck! I am really getting sick of the hospital. But this is my last semester and it will be over before I know it.

Ew...I got paid today. Yayerr!

Dad finally agreed to let my take him out to dinner for his bday. We went to Hacienda. Not really what I expected. I have never before had an awkward silence with my father. It felt like I was eating dinner with a stranger. I had to fish around for things to talk about. And instead of talking, he would nod or shrug his shoulders to answer me. And as soon as we got home, he went to the bar.

Only like 3-4 months before I move out. I did my exit counseling interview for my school loans, and it turns out that I am only going to be paying $220 a month for 10 years.

Well I'm gonna go eat dinner...

5000

Flippin' in the ghetto on a dirty mattress

Well has it ever been a fucked up week...

* my dad bought an Orange County Choppers hat from the bar he goes to. Yesterday was his bday and a friend bought him a matching sweatshirt. Now all he needs is a matching beer coozy. Liz, wanna send me one? Or is that the Orange County in Florida? Either way feel free to send me that. Or a burnt copy of the new WWE CD that is coming out. That would work to. I will compensate you.

* I had no idea what to get him, so I offered to take him out to dinner. He was very hesitant. And today I finally figured it out why. He was asking me what time during the day we would do this. I dont know, whenever. Well he didn't want it to be too late because he wanted to be sober and he couldn't sit around the whole day waiting for dinner and not drink. I told him to fucking forget it if he couldn't be sober for one fucking day for his daughter. damnit!

* My friend Keri came in town from Cincinatti last weekend to visit me. We went to the Fox and some fat guy with curly blonde hair had his friends come over and ask Keri out for him. Then I saw Justin and he asked me to come over to their table so he could get my address for their baby's first bday party. So I did. And there's Matt wearing a Colt's hat. He always looked bad in baseball hats. And not bad as in good, but bad as in bad. Then Keri and I went to Hammerheads. This guy, maybe in his late 20's, comes over and this is his pick up line( to Keri)... you are the most interesting mutt I have ever seen. (I personally think that she is a very attractive female). Then he says...what are you? English, Asian? (she's nothing). Then he knocks over her beer, but buys her another. And starts talking about his pets and the car he drives. blah blah blah. He is sitting there for maybe 45 minutes talking shit about shit when he finally leaves to take a piss. We got the fuck out of there. bullshit. What a douchebag/lapdance/whatever! I would have almost wanted that one guy with the baseball hat that kept touching my back to hit on me. Well I wasn't really the one being hit on, so nevermind. He did say that my orthodontist did a wonderful job though. Points, right? I am starting to think that I am totally unapproachable. Well at least to attractive guys with more than 5 teeth. Not that I want to meet guys at a bar. But it would be nice to be noticed every now and then.

* A couple days ago, I went out with Ginger. And for all of you that have met her, you know that she is full of attitude. Well this girl bumps into her. Ginger is all " excuse you" in her most snotty, ghetto tone. Well she wasn't expecting the other girl to give her back the tude. So before you know it the dance floor clears and everyone is watching Ginger and this girl yell at each other and pointing fingers and snapping their heads back and forth. So then they start talking about 'taking it outside' and 'beating ass'. So I get in the middle and almost got hit and basically had to throw Ginger up against the wall to get her to listen to me. And then the fat-ass, mullet-wearing bouncer decides to help. Fucker. Later that night, the same girl bumps into me (on purpose). And I turned around and gave the exact same response before seeing who it was. By that time, her friends were holding her back and Ginger's friends were holding me back. It was pretty funny. Like I would fight anybody. Well if she would have thrown a punch first, I would have. Maybe. Then Ginger sees the guy she is/was dating with another girl. And demands we leave. So I get in the car with her (she is sober)and she starts driving like a fucking dumbass. I was seriously scared for my life. It was raining. She hydroplaned a couple times and ran through some stop lights. I yelled at her to let me out of the car. She wouldn't stop or slow down. So at the first stoplight, I jumped out of the car and stood in the rain until she swore that she would drive like she had some fucking sense. I even made her say "I swear that I will drive like I have some fucking sense." It must have been a funny site. Me standing in the middle of 41. Ugh, I was so pissed, we didn't speak the rest of the way home.

* I am getting so many busted blood vessels. I have like 10 on my face and now I am getting them on my chest. I guess it's a reaction to stress.

* I had my first death as a nurse on Friday. It was a lot harder that it has been in the past. The husband reminded me so much of my grandfather. He started crying when I went in to confirm it and I had to leave the room. The charge nurse had to take care of everything else for me.

* Ginger wants to kick out her roommate and have me move in with her. She lives in my Great grandmother's house (Nana II- she lives with Nana I). It's a cute little house on Weinbach, but it totally creeps me out. I remember when I was 5 and my great-great grandmother lived there. She was like 90-something. She was blind and almost deaf and would sit in her rocking chair and scream at Ginger and I in German. I hated that woman. But then Ginger also brought up that we could get an apartment together and I am not sure that is such a good idea. I want my own space, my own stuff, my own everything. But I said... "we'll see."

* So yeah... we'll see.

* I got my financial aid check in the mail. So I think I am going to get a new computer and a couch and kitchen utensils and a vacuum cleaner. I want the Windsor Pilates tape too. And the book of answers. Or a tennis bracelet to match my new watch. Killer!

* Corinne called today to tell me that she ordered me a ring for Christmas, but it won't be in until April. She also got a matching one for herself. We agreed that we weren't going to get each other anything. Now what am I going to do. I don't even wear rings anymore.

* I met the new guy my mom is dating. I seriously think he is gay. And I told her that too. He is really weird and feminine and I don't know. Not that gay guys are weird and feminine. I just got a really strange vibe. Oh he also told her that he wanted to sleep with her, but didn't want any penetration. Somewhat queer, dont you think?

* She invited me to lunch tomorrow, but said I had to pay. No, not just for myself, but for everything. No mother you need to help me pay for some shit, how about college? No? Oh you want to put a hot tub in your back yard? Oh ok. Then starve.

Ugh yeah I know

I'm finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

This year has already started off the worst way and the best way.

I learned a lot of things about myself that I didn't want to know, but definitely needed to. I wish I could find a way to even comprehend words to explain it.

I found a place for myself in this fucked up life right before it disappeared. I woke up this afternoon crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. Thinking I could do something about this if I were stronger. It's really sad when you are so weak, too weak to even do it.

And then I started thinking about leaving this fucking city instead. After this next semester, I honestly don't have any reason to stay here. My excuse was always my father's welfare. But he is going to be unhappy if I am here or not. Other than him, I can only think of two people that I would regret leaving. California never sounded so good or possible.

When I drove into my driveway this evening...I sat back and had a dream that I was talking to someone in the passenger seat, saying all of the things I never could. I was so relieved when I opened my eyes until I realized that it hadn't happened. And then came a second dream. Someone had been hiding in my back seat the whole way home. And when I rested my head back, Matt strangled me with my own seat belt.

Reminds me of the dream where my uncle repeatedly stabbed me in the chest while my friends just stood there and watched. Or the one where I was crying orange tears like in the Gatorade commercials.

This is becoming really fucked up.

Oh I almost forgot...Shane, you're a fucking pussy.