ITS MY OWN DAMN FAULT

Wednesday 10-4-06

Up early.
Small boring room service breakfast. Toast and Yogurt.
Docked right up on Montego Bay's ass. Jamaica.
There was a guy waiting outside the ship with long dredlocks and wearing rastafarian colors waiting to take his picture with everyone. This happened at all of the islands. There were always people taking pictures. Everywhere. We were already annoyed with this, so we ran past them.
Then waited in customs, which was a big, hot warehouse.
Found our tour group. We decided to go on a Highlights Bus Tour of Montego Bay before deciding on a certain area to hang out in or a specific thing to do. This was a 3 hour bus tour which ended up not being such a great decision.
Our tour guide was awesome. His name was Nuk (nook). And the bus driver was Phillip. In Jamaica, they drive on the left side of the road. Very frightening, if you aren't expecting it.
Our first stop was a small local shopping area, which consisted of dozens of small huts. As soon as we stepped off the bus, I was ready to run back in. You can't just walk by and look, they expect you to buy. It offends them if you don't look at what they have made. "Hey pretty lady, look what I made for you!" "Hey pretty lady, let me braid your hair!" They're very very aggressive. And they will physically pull you into their hut to look at their things. It's very scary. But very sad at the same time. They are very poor. An average Jamaican makes an equivalent of $50 US dollar/month. We bought a couple things and then hid behind the bus.
As we were leaving, an animal that looked like a squirrel ran across the road. Nuk said that it was a mongoose. They have a lot of them there. He said that they British brought them to their island a long time ago to take care of the snake problem. Now there aren't any snakes in Jamaica... so the mongoose turned on the chicken.
Then we went more into the city.
And then to Margaritaville. Keep in mind that its 10am, we barely had any breakfast, and we're going to be on a bus for a long time. We both had one margarita and we were drunk for the next 5-6 hours. But it wasn't a good thing. It was a hot hungry weak drunk. Not a silly happy friendly drunk. :(
Then we went to another shopping area. A little bit more modern and little bit less impoverished. But the women's bathroom was missing half of a wall. Leaving it open to the street, so I had to duck down. Just in case someone I knew in Jamaica drove by. Whatev.
We found a Jamaican Jerk Restaurant and had chicken sandwiches and pineapple soda. It was full of little boys in uniforms. Apparenly, all schools in Jamaica make their students wear uniforms. Unlike all of the adults we saw on the island, these boys were well groomed and 2 of them had braces.
By the time the tour was over, we were so tired from being an a bus for 3 hours and sick from the margaritas that we decided to get back on the ship. Instead of going back into Jamaica on our own.
Back on the ship.
Hungry again. The main buffet was French cuisine. So we went to the Pizzeria instead. Then got in the hot tub. Then went back to our room. Watched some news. We got Colorado local news in our room. Not sure why. Then watched the Robots movie. Took a Nap. The watched some of The Devil Wears Prada.
Went to dinner at the Monet Room again. Dress code this evening was 'resort casual'.
After dinner, we went to the Toulouse Lautrec Theatre and watched Deja the Magician. Female magicain from Las Vegas that flew into Jamaica and hopped on our ship for the evening.
Bed late.

Thursday 10-5-06

Up super early.
Breakfast Buffet.
Tendered off ship to Grand Cayman. Tendering is when you can't dock directly on the island because of how shallow the water is. So you have to get off the cruise ship onto a little boat and then to the island. There were photographers waiting with little life preservers. We managed to dodge them too.
We met up with our tour guide and bus driver, Delroy. Little tidbit: He pays $500.00/month for electricity. The Cayman Islands are pretty much the opposite extreme of Jamaica. Well Delroy says that their island has a lot of money, but the people don't. Unless you moved there to be a banker. There are 600 banks on just the island of Grand Cayman (1 of the 3 Cayman Islands). The island measures like 21 x 8 miles.
Our first stop on the tour was Hell. This is an actual town. There are creepy looking rock formations. And a gift shop with shirts that read "through hell and back" and you can send a post card to your mother-in-law from Hell, reading "I wish you were here" . Har Har.

More from the Cayman Islands after a word from our sponsors...

What Religion Are Those People That Wear The Patch Behind Their Ear?

Monday 10-2-06

Slept very well.
It was pretty obvious that we were moving pretty quickly now. If you stopped what you were doing you could feel the ship moving, but it wasn't overwhelming, ever. I didn't have any motion sickness at all. Neither did Jim.
We had breakfast at the breakfast buffet. And then found a prime spot on the 10th floor deck to lay out. I had a lot of problems with thinking that the wind was going to pick me up and sling me overboard. It took me several days before I would look over the edge.
In the early afternoon we went to the Toulouse Lautrec Theatre for an excursion meeting. The cruise director went over all of the important info that we would need to know about the 3 islands that we were going to. Like don't buy drugs and don't rent mopeds. Then we went back to our room to book our excursions with the tv remote.
Ate lunch at the Pizzeria.
Then later in the afternoon there was an announcement that someone was critically ill. This meant that the ship had to turn totally around and head back north so that we could meet up with a coastguard helicopter. When the time came, a big roof thing went over half of the cruise deck and the helicopter landed and picked up the poor soul. Jim said that he's heard of really old people living on cruise ships because they are cheaper than nursing homes. Anyway we never heard what was wrong or what happened. But it was cool to watch it happen. Everyone else thought so too.
We laid out some more. Then went back to the room to get ready for our first formal dinner. I was honestly worried that we were going to be turned away. I overheard several women talking about making hair appointments at the salon and renting tuxedos for their husbands. We dressed nicely, but not formal. It ended up being ok. There were all kinds of versions of formal dress. I guess it just depends on what your definition of formal is. I wore a skirt and Jim wore a suit and tie. But there were people wearing prom dresses and some with cowboy hats. So whatev. Dinner was really good. We sat at the same table as the night before and had the same server, Arnel. And he put our napkins in our laps for us. And told me that I was drinking my champagne too fast. Then we went to the theatre again for the Formidable Show. It was vegas style with the girls in thongs with big feathers on their heads. It was okay.

Tuesday 10-3-06

Third day at sea.
Back to the breakfast buffet.
Then played some bingo. No win.
Then went to an art auction because we heard there was free champagne. Our bid number was #277. Didn't stay long enough to see anything that I had to have.
Went to the buffet again for lunch. Each day the lunch buffet had a theme. Monday was American, Tuesday Indian. Neither of us really like Indian food, so we went to the deli instead.
Then found the Internet Cafe. $.75/minute.
Took a nap. Watched Ice Age II. Laid out.
Skipped the Monet dining room and went to the grille for dinner instead. And then the sushi bar.
The show for the night was the Ron Joseph Motown Performance. We caught the end of it. He was puling old white men onto the stage and making them dance and sing.
We found a really neat jazz bar, Alfred's. This is where we spent alot of time in the evening.
At midnight there was a mardi gras party on the deck. They were serving drinks in coconuts that were carved like monkeyheads. I got beads without showing my tits...

Horneymoon Vol.1

Okay Okay...
First off I want to say that I could not ask for better friends. You all were so awesome.
Ginger did so much. She was definitely my backbone throughout the whole thing. There is no way I could've survived without her. If anybody upset or pissed me off, she didn't hesitate to give them a piece of her mind. It didn't matter if it involved table linens or my heinous family. She was on it.
Alex sacrificed so much just by being there. I know it was hard for her to be thrown from her box. To dress up and wear makeup and have her hair done. But she looked amazing and acted so graceful and never complained. And who knew she could dance like that.
Stacey, you make a hell of a cake!!! I really super appreciate you making our cake and being a bridesmaid all at the same time. It meant a lot to me. And I know it was probably hectic at times, but I want you to know that it didn't go unnoticed. And cutting and serving the cake at the last minute on top of that!!! You guys are so awesome!
Liz, you never once forgot about me. You always checked on me and made sure everything was going smoothly. I knew all along that I had someone to talk to if I had any issues. Jim and I both wished we could've spent more time with you and JD. It was so awesome of you guys to come in for the wedding. Now, can you come back so we can hang out longer?
Corinne, thanks for helping me pick out the bridesmaids dresses. They were so pretty and everybody seemed to like them (for the most part). Who knows how I would've decided on a dress on my own! And thanks for the hair salon referral. Everyone's hair was gorgeous. I couldn't of pictured anything better.

You ladies are fucking badass!!! FO-SHO.
I just hope I can make it up to you guys.
You'll never know.

Anyways, now that I have that out of the way, here's the hoRneymoon breakdown...

Sunday

We got up pretty early. Like around 3:00 am. Yes like 3 hours after the reception ended. Then drove the Ginger's. She took us to the airport. We flew out of E'ville. Sat on the plane for about an hour, because apparently their fuel gauge was broken, so they accidentally overfueled one of the wings. So they had to burn the fuel of by just idling, so that the plane wouldn't be off balance. This made us dangerously late when we got to Atlanta. We had to run to our terminal. Like in the movies. I can see it in slow motion. hmmmm. So we get on the plane with only seconds to spare. Then we get to Houston (George Bush Sr. airport). Totally Lame. Nothing cool at all to to in that airport. Just sat in massage chairs. $1.00/ 3 minutes. Then we had to take a 2 hour coach bus ride to Galveston. That's where our ship was docked.

Our cruise ship was by far the biggest. Without question, screwed RC in the ass!Our room was on the 7th floor...pretty small, but we had a window and if you stood on the bed, you could see the ocean. We had our own Steward the cleaned our room twice a day and made little animals out of towels and put chocolates on our pillows. His name was Mahndy (short for something I can't pronounce) and he's from Indonesia. All of the employees are from all over the world and they are on 6 month contracts. Their name tags had their home country on it.
We ate lunch at one of the many buffets and later had dinner at the Monet dinning room. Fancy 5 star food. We took pictures of every meal. We sat at the same table everytime. And we had the same server. His name was Arnel and he's from the Phillipines.
Between lunch and dinner (and after dinner), we walked around the ship to try to find everything. It was 14 stories tall, not counting the 4 that were under the water. The 9th floor was opened up in 2 spots, which tiered up to the 14th floor. This is where most of the night life was and where a lot of food and alcohol could be found. And old wrinkly drunk women that forgot that they were totally gross in anything less than coveralls. Bleh. There was a spa. The gym and the sauna had sweet views of the ocean. There were hot tubs everywhere. A big waterslide. 3 pools. There was a 3 story theatre with shows every night. A casino. About 20 different bars. An internet cafe. $.75/ minute. (phone $6.99/minute) A sushi bar. 24 hour pizzeria. 24 hour ice cream stations. An airbrush tatooist. Duty and Tax free stores. Photo-ops everywhere. There were people waiting at every corner (with a different backdrop) to take our picture. A bunch of fat people and hateful mothers constantly yelling at their little innocent children. Other than the later, everything was incredible and overwhelming. We felt very fortunate.

We went to bed pretty early that night. Well after I unpacked everything and put all of my tioletries in their cute little spots.

To be continued...