I'm finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

This year has already started off the worst way and the best way.

I learned a lot of things about myself that I didn't want to know, but definitely needed to. I wish I could find a way to even comprehend words to explain it.

I found a place for myself in this fucked up life right before it disappeared. I woke up this afternoon crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. Thinking I could do something about this if I were stronger. It's really sad when you are so weak, too weak to even do it.

And then I started thinking about leaving this fucking city instead. After this next semester, I honestly don't have any reason to stay here. My excuse was always my father's welfare. But he is going to be unhappy if I am here or not. Other than him, I can only think of two people that I would regret leaving. California never sounded so good or possible.

When I drove into my driveway this evening...I sat back and had a dream that I was talking to someone in the passenger seat, saying all of the things I never could. I was so relieved when I opened my eyes until I realized that it hadn't happened. And then came a second dream. Someone had been hiding in my back seat the whole way home. And when I rested my head back, Matt strangled me with my own seat belt.

Reminds me of the dream where my uncle repeatedly stabbed me in the chest while my friends just stood there and watched. Or the one where I was crying orange tears like in the Gatorade commercials.

This is becoming really fucked up.

Oh I almost forgot...Shane, you're a fucking pussy.