Oooh Yeah Girl, Run that Game

Passed a nursing test today. It was the one that I failed last year. So that's a plus. Went to my great grandma's 90th birthday party tonight. It was kinda weird. You could tell that she was depressed about turning 90, but also at the same time, she had no idea what was going on. It was pretty sad. This just intensifies my biggest fear, bigger than heights and vampires and clowns, my fear of getting old and dying. I hate the thought of not being able to take care of myself, not being able to walk, or brush my own teeth. I hate seeing my patients get worse and knowing that it will be me 40-50 years. It's so freaking scary. The first 20 years went by so fast, the next 20 will go by faster. And I'm worrying about some stupid test. Damnit.
I have been having another recurring dream... I get stabbed in the chest like 40 times and the guy who does it is and the setting are different everytime. And while this happens, my friends just sit and watch. Afterwards, the guy says,"I just did it so that you wouldn't have to." And then everyone watches me die. Ok what the fuck is that? Cindy is convinced it has something to do with a broken heart. Someone out there let me know.
Matt called me yesterday and I thought I was going to throw up. He just wanted to know if I knew anything about one of our friends that was in the hospital. Very brief, very casual and I just wanted to curl up and die. I was doing really well. I hadn't thought about him in days. You soon forget the things you cannot see, right? Ands he calls and fucks everything up and reminds me that he still exists. I think that this is an obvious explanation for why I'm never alone. I need someone new to forget about the old. I hate it already and it's only been 3-4 weeks. Ugh.
Had dinner with the family last night. We sat at the table for the third time. Cindy had one of her sons over. And I smoked pot with my dad. I know...WHAT?!? That's right folks, it's finally happened.
I think I have bronchitis. It sucks!
Well I'm gonna go watch TV until I fall asleep.
Later